[timanonymous]

I met some Brits over at Hillary 1 on Soi 4 and one of them told me that he had come to LOS on holiday and never returned. He told me he had been in country for 6 years now!

I thought "this guy is crazy", because I talked to those Brits on my first day in Bangkok but now that my holiday is over I completely understand.

I kept thinking at the airport of my last day, "maybe there is some way I could squeeze in another day". Then my girl was crying at the airport making it so much harder. I remember looking out the window as I flew away feeling miserable. I even happened to get a business class seat because of some seating problem on the flight but I didn't eat anything or watch any movies or enjoy any of the amenities offered by business class on an Emirates flight. I felt sick. I just sat in my seat playing the videos I took of my girl on my blackberry over and over. Either that or looking at pictures I took of Bangkok.

Then I got in Afghanistan and the contrast was way too much. I was supposed to check in with my company as soon as I arrived but I didn't. I went to a tent and took out a little water gun that I got from the Songkran festivities and drank the few drops of water that were left inside. I took out a small bear that my thai girlfriend had given me and kissed it. Then I called her and asked her if she loved me. Of course she said yes and I said I loved her too. Then I told her I had to go and hung up. I suddenly didn't feel as sick anymore but my mind was telling me the whole time, "Tim, you need to let go". But I couldn't. I needed to tell someone where I had been and what had happened and that is why I wrote this trip report.

My thai girlfriend gave me a small bear and told me that when I am in Afghanistan that this is her. She told me that now you can hug and kiss me wherever you go. I said okay and kissed her and I want more than anything to just throw that damn bear away and forget it all but I can't. I wont until I can plainly see that she is only trying to trick me for money or maybe that she is not interested in me anymore.

I haven't given her any money since I got here in Afghanistan but if she asks I will say no. I will throw the bear away and forget. It's a really horrible feeling. I only had this feeling one other time in my life and that was after my first serious relationship when I swore I would never allow myself to fall in love again.

I NEED to go back in 10 months because of this girl and also because I think Bangkok is where I belong. I think I should have lived in Bangkok a long time ago. I think my entire life I have been a foreigner. I'm actually half chinese and half mexican. So when I go to Hong Kong to see my relatives the locals treat me as a foreigner. When I am doing my thing in the US, Americans treat me like a foreigner. When I went to high school in England, Brits treated me as a foreigner. Bangkok was the only place I have ever been to where I have not felt like a foreigner. Everyone thinks I'm Thai there. I think I finally know what it is like to be normal and I want to always feel this way.