[KeeNeow]

Mick and Paddy reading headstones near a cemetary when Mick says: 'Paddy der is a fella here who wes 152'. 'What's his name?' asks Paddy. Mick replies: 'Miles from London '



Apparently 6 million Africans and Asians will die as a result of Global Warming - on a more serious note some Bastard has knocked the head off my snowman



The wife has just told me that Gavin from AutoGlass has just been around and injected his special resin into her crack......Now I'm not usually suspicious, but she hasn't even got a fucking car.



Victor Umbongo the little Nigerian boy, born with no arms and no legs has just won the World Fancy Dress Championship. He shoved a rope up his arse and went as a Conker.



Dont you just hate people who knock on your door collecting for Charity. I had one collecting for the local Sperm Bank, I gave her a right mouthful.



Ive just put a deposit down on a new Porche and mentioned it on FaceBook. I cant understand why the Americans are so upset. All I said was I couldnt wait for the new 911. However 40,000 Paki's have added me as a friend.



The drop in the number of suicide bombers has been put down to Susan Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to Paradise anymore.



Five signs that you may be a Taliban:

1. You have more wives than teeth

2. You own a $5,000 Rocket Launcher but cant afford shoes

3. You refine Heroin but have a moral objection to Beer

4. You think vests come in 2 styles: Bullet Proof and Suicide

5. You wipe you arse with your bare hand but consider Bacon is unclean



Paki and a Black fall off Blackpool Tower at the same time. Who hits the ground last - The Paki as he is a shade lighter.



Alcohol Free Lager - its like licking your sisters fanny. It tastes the same but it just aint right.



I am not saying that Blacks are violent but the African Cup of Nations is the only Football Tournament that actually opens with a shoot-out.



I am not bothering watching the African Cup of Nations. 347 shots and only 3 on target.



A Charity Pantomine in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos last night when someone shouted 'HE'S BEHIND YOU'.



What have Tiger Woods and the Togo Football Team have in common: Neither are using their Drivers anymore.



When asked if he preferred legs or breasts, Paddy replied he had a particular fondness for shaven fannies. He was informed that this wasnt an option when choosing a KFC Bargain Bucket.



Can you spare just £2...... Ramji is a 9 year old boy who has only 1 arm, 1 leg and 1 eye. He rides his bike to school for four miles every day along a narrow road on a rusty old bike with buckled wheels. Please send just £2 and we will send you a video........... its fucking hilarious.



DIY tip of the week: A woman is on all fours with cum dribbling out of her mouth and arse, what does this tell you................ Your floor is level.



Radovan Karadzic, who murdered around 8,000 Muslims has been found. They are going to try him in the Hague . If he gets rid of all the Muslims there, They're going to try him in Bradford, Bromley and Wolverhampton .



I know how those poor bastards in Haiti feel. The last time I had 30 aftershocks I couldnt find my fucking house either.



Whats the difference between a Paki and an Onion ?

You can chop a Paki up without crying



Middle aged woman walks into the Living Room Naked..... Hubby asks 'why are you naked'?

She replies 'This is my love dress'

He says ' Well fucking iron it.



International Child Aid is starting to arrive in Haiti after the Earthquake has left 5,000 kids under the age of 10 orphaned and alone to fend for themselves.. The USA has sent medicine and Doctors. The UK has sent Food and Medicine whilst Ireland have sent 1000 priests there on the holiday of a lifetime.



I got mugged last night when four big bastards kicked the shit out of me. Against the odds I managed to knock one out..... Proberly not the best time for a wank, but it could have been my last.



I can still remember playtime at school - a bit of footy, sneaking for a cigarette and trying to finger the girls behind the Bike sheds............... I fucking loved that Janitor's job.



You up for a night out ? My local Disco are having a Charity Bash in aid of Women with no Legs. The Dance Floor will be crawling with fanny.



Paddy shows an Essex Girl the L + R labels in his Wellies explaing they mean Left and Right - Oh exclaims the girl, now I know what C&A label means in my Thong.



In respect for the Haiti Earthquake, all UK Curry Houses will supply new dishes for the disaster. The new dishes will be called: Chicken-Bury-Auntie + Nan-Dead and Poppa-gone



Went to get on the bus this morning and the Paki Driver said: ' Am jam packed full'

I said 'I dont give a fuck what your name is, I just want to get on the bus'.



A little boy says to a priest - 'kiss me, kiss me'.

'I cant' said the priest, 'it would be unethical and to be honest I shouldn't even be wanking you off'.



I rang the Samaritans last night and they put me through to a Call Centre in Pakistan . I said I was feeling Suicidal and they got excited and asked me if I could fly a plane.