[KeeNeow]

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't; there is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, And still think they are sexy.

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested .
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

The Top 10 Reasons Why a Handgun is Better Than a Woman

#10 - You can trade an old .44 for two new .22s.

#9 - You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8 - If you admire a friend's handgun, and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7 - Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you have a backup.

#6 - Your handgun will stay with you even if you're out of ammo.

#5 - A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4 - Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3 - A handgun doesn't ask "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2 - A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

AND THE NUMBER ONE WAY THAT A HANDGUN IS BETTER THAN A WOMAN . . .
You can buy a silencer for a handgun


Women with big breasts…

..can get a taxi on the worst days
..have a neat place to carry spare change
..have always been the centre of the arts
..make jogging a spectator sport
..can keep a magazine dry while laying in the tub
..usually can find leftover popcorn after a movie
..always float better
..know where to look first for lost earrings
..rarely lack for a slow dance partner
..have a place to set their glasses when sitting in an armless recliner

Women with small breasts…

..don’t cause a traffic accident every time they bend over in public
..always look younger
..find that dribbled food makes it to the napkin on their lap
..can always see their toes and shoes
..can sleep on their stomachs
..have no trouble sliding behind the wheel of small cars
..know that people can read the entire message on their t-shirts
..can come late to a theatre and not disrupt an entire aisle
..can take aerobic class without running the risk of knocking themselves out.

Womans list of what she wants in a man

Original List:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)

1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3 Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns a t least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)

1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4 Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 82)

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.



Gentlemen's Quiz


1. In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a: Lovemaking
b: Screwing
c: The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a: Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b: Your blood-test results
c: Five tequila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:
a: Your partner climaxes first
b: You both climax simultaneously
c: You don’t miss Sports Center (Sky)

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a: Healthy, creative love-play
b: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c: Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a: The best part of the experience
b: The second best part of the experience
c: $100 extra

6. Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a: Not a concern of yours
b: Not a problem - she can join your gym
c: A conservative estimate

7. You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a: A myth
b: An oxymoron
c: A moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a: Appetizer is to entree
b: Priming is to painting
c: A queue is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a: "I hope we can still be friends."
b: "I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c: "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a: Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of intimacy
b: Is uptight and a waste of time
c: Shouldn’t have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

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If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, check into therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.